On Not Blogging

Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been blogging lately. To be honest, I've fallen out of interest with it, at least for the moment. It helps that I don't have much to say. I'm not experienced enough as a writer to really have anything new or interesting or helpful to say about the writing process. I'm not up to or interested in reviewing all the books I read, not even when they're superhero-related. I don't even have the sort of life that makes for good blog memoir. I wake up, I mess around on the web, I write, I go to work, I come home, I sleep. I see friends outside of work maybe once a fortnight, if I'm lucky.

I'm also having a hard time finding my place within the writing community. Part of me knows that I'm making progress as a writer and that I have enough knowledge of or instinct for the writing basics to be beyond the general advice that most people disseminate. She knows I can do this. But another part of me second-guesses everything, takes note of all the writing advice and points out all the places in my manuscript where I'm not following the rules, says that I work too slowly, that I'll never stand a chance if I can't push out a quality finished book every year. She also says that wanting to break rules out of confidence you're beyond them is the first sign of an overly ambitious, ultimately failed writer. A third part of me insists that I have to be aware of all the industry workings Right Now even though I don't have a finished manuscript and so don't need to know how to query agents, select a publishing house, read a contract, manage a career, or conduct myself appropriately during reading. She's working with Part Two, and Part One is desperately trying to get them to shut up already.

It's not going so well. Two and Three aren't really interested in rational arguments.

So yes, I'm distancing myself from the internet. I'd love to pay more than cursory attention to the writing blogs I follow, and comment, add to the discussion, and play the part of the Writer that's expected of me. (Who expects that? Part Three.) But I can't, and I'm sorry if dropping off the radar looks like I'm ignoring you. I'm not. I'm just trying to deprive Two and Three of ammunition, and not say anything I'll regret later. I may have said too much already.

The thing is, not blogging is oddly liberating. I stopped posting to a schedule to free myself, and not posting at all frees me further. I don't have to worry about whether my ideas are good enough for a blog post, or articulated properly, and I have more time and more space just to be myself and to focus on what I want to do. Yes, blogging is/was largely a Part Three thing.

To the people who I know are going to say, "Don't give up!", I'm not. I'm still planning to be a writer, to be traditionally published, and, if I'm lucky, write a Hugo-winning NYT bestseller*. I just can't do everything that I feel the industry wants me to do and be happy while doing it. To anyone wanting to say, "But you need to blog and network and attend conventions!", no, I don't. I am so not ready as a writer to do that. To do so is hubris. Feel free to say other positive things at me, though, like "You're awesome!" and "Here are blog ideas!" Part One needs those pretty badly right now.

*might as well dream big