Wednesday, March 2, 2011

50 Rules to Follow If I End Up In an Urban Fantasy Novel

This is inspired by The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army. If for some reason you have not read that list, go and do that now. Do not drink or eat while doing so. Then come back and read this homage.
  1. I will not ask paranormal detectives or supernatural cops if vampires or werewolves are better in bed.
  2. I will not ask anyone if vampires or werewolves are better in bed.
  3. Especially if they're vampires or werewolves.
  4. I will not ask vampire hunters if they have a Mr. Pointy.
  5. I will not conjure demons to do my food runs for me.
  6. I will not pay delivery people in fairy gold.
  7. Love potions never end well.
  8. I will not ask fairies if they know Legolas.
  9. I will not ask fairies if they know Frodo.
  10. I will not ask fairies if they know Tinkerbell.
  11. I will not ask fairies if they know Spock.
  12. Fairies are not aliens. Even if they come from another dimension.
  13. "Hot enough for ya?" is not a good conversation opener with demons.
  14. I will not explain Twilight to a vampire.
  15. I will not explain Twilight to a werewolf.
  16. Explaining any other paranormal book or show to the undead will just give them ideas. Don't do it.
  17. I will not pray to any gods. They tend to be creatively literal when answering.
  18. I will not take the names of gods in vain. Many gods have power over lightning and I like my body uncharred.
  19. I will not mention leather pants in the vicinity of a dedicated bounty hunter.
  20. I will not wear leather pants for any reason.
  21. I will not tell female bounty hunters, police officers, private detectives, or anyone else who may encounter the undead on a daily basis, that they would look better in heels.
  22. Axes are not for chopping vegetables.
  23. Neither are swords, hunting knives, throwing knives, or any other blade weapon.
  24. That's probably not V8 in the fridge.
  25. Witches and wizards are sick of Harry Potter jokes.
  26. Broomsticks are not romantic presents. Neither are sunblock, shaving cream, razors, embalming fluid, formaldehyde, garlic, Holy water, religious symbols, mirrors, or medical thread.
  27. If I see something unfamiliar and mobile, I will not poke it with a stick.
  28. Unless I know what I'm doing.
  29. And have the appropriate weapon handy.
  30. If I have to explain the unexplainable, it's a gas leak.
  31. Ghosts do not act like Casper.
  32. I will not assume the moaning, dirty people dressed in rags are alive just because they're moving.
  33. I will not assume anything is alive just because it's moving.
  34. Decapitation is always a solution when battling monsters.
  35. Unless it's a hydra.
  36. I will keep sharp, pointy objects on me at all times.
  37. I will keep peace offerings on me at all times.
  38. Especially when crossing bridges.
  39. I will not whistle after dark. Nor will I attempt to summon Bloody Mary.
  40. I will not use anyone's emergency battle salt or defensive garlic as seasoning.
  41. I will not address any supernatural law enforcement professional as "babe", "hot stuff", "Great and Powerful Master", "Wonder Woman", "Superman," "Wizzard", or "Your Highness". The correct forms of address are "sir," "ma'am," "detective," "officer", and "Mr./Ms. ___."
  42. Just because a car has an anti-damage spell does not mean I can take it on a wild joyride through the city. 
  43. Even if it's my car.
  44. I will not rub oil lamps in the hopes that a genie will appear.
  45. I will not make crank calls about monsters or the undead in the hopes that the hot detective shows up to deal with it. Similarly, I will not make crank calls about dragons for the firemen.
  46. If someone offers me free spells, enchanted objects, granted wishes, the best sex I've ever had, prophecies of my future, or magic beans, I will say no, even if it's really tempting and even if I know how to get out of the ensuing situation.
  47. I will assume there is a Dark Lord even if I see no evidence supporting their existence. There is always a Dark Lord.
  48. If a book is giving off vibes, bound in chains, screaming, or appears to be bound in skin or written in blood, I will not open it.
  49. I will not panic, not even if there is an apocalypse or a million undead on my doorstep. Panic does not solve anything.
  50. I will try to get out of the novel as soon as possible, if not earlier. And then I will kill the author with my novel-acquired skills.
Feel free to add your own in the comments. Hope you liked!


Brooke Johnson said...

#47 is my fave

Justin Gustainis said...

How about: I will always look both ways before crossing a vampire.

Anonymous said...

I will not set my table with silverware if I am dating a werewolf.

Rosie Lane said...

I will pack a lunch befor entering a portal.